Friday, September 18, 2009

Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back.........?

Okay, so yesterday on facebook...wait a minute, I seem to have a lot of facebook stories...hmmm does that mean I am spending too much time on facebook!? Is there a facebook anonymous out there!?  Anywho....yesterday I posted that I was having a hard time writing on my blog.  Brain freeze or something!  One of my friends told me to FOCUS.  So I didn't work.  Once again, he said, "FOCUS."  As you can see there were no posts yesterday, so focusing....didn't happen.  Then one of my friends said, "Just channel the energy and wit of your husband (Jamie) and lover (me) and I guarantee you will get something going!"  As you can see he is a big jokester!  No lovers in my marriage or his! =) The "lover" by the way is a white man. will see in a moment.  Well, the jokes went back and forth and then a couple of other friends chimed in, and finally I said, "Now you all know, once you go black you never go back."  Well the laughter roared out loud on facebook!  Lot's of LOL's!, am I 13!!!?  =) One of my friend's who is also married to a black man (she happens to be Hispanic) said, "So true!"  So is it true?  Once you go black, you never go back?  The saying came from somewhere, so how true is it?  I'm married, so I'm not going anywhere, black, white, brown or blue, but if I wasn't married I would definitely be attracted to black men.  Aww heck, I am attracted to black men!  I'm not dead! =)  Is it because that is what I'm used to?  Is it because I'm happy in my marriage?  Is it because my daughter is half black? Is it because of the stereotype about black men?  This is a "G" rated blog, so we can't get into that one. =)  Is it just my preference?  I'm pretty specific in my preference of black men that I find I'm attracted to....big, tall, bald, with a goatee....ohhhhh, that's my husband!  Now I get it!!!!  =) Hmmm, what is your thought on this one.......?


"J" said...

Hmm..[walks to mirror]

tall (6ft 3")..check
bald...check [sigh..]
big...mwah, 200lbs..

hmm..sooo no risk of shenanigans....(LOL)

I am with you on the " once you go black.." etc. I have actually never dated a white girl. It has been coloured girls from the moment I discovered girls.

My first "big love" was an utterly cute girl scout with a million braids, she must have been about 11 at that time. The girl scouts had their compound next to the boy scouts' so we had quite a lot of Jamborees together.
I made quite the impression on her by sticking a rather sharp and rather big pin in one of her buttocks..[ahh.."the charming ways of young boys"...whahahaha..]

..She fell head over heels for me[huh?? the inscrutable ways of the female mind..] She was, however far too shy to really act upon it.

Years later, when I started dating her sister(my, now, BFF), I found out that my " impression" was quite lasting when she showed me the "tattoo" my charms-offensive had left...ayayayayay.!

I do not know how it is with You, but, as Liberal as the Dutch are, I have ,more than once, been asked the {to me} dreaded question: How is it, You know...,the love thang? sure must be something with a black woman?"

Ugh!! None of Your business, not to mention the ignorance&racism that underlies dumb a$$ questions like that....

I formulated one nice quippy answer that in most cases made the questionneur retreat with a reddish face: " I wouldn't know, as I have never dated a white girl, how is " It " with a white girl?"

That, as a rule, shuts them up pretty quick and made them think about it in most cases. So, luckily, they often courteously admitted that it was a bit of a stupid question.

(leaves the question:Why ask me something that You wouldn't ask Your neighbour that is married to that cute blonde????)

jessie said...

Just came across your blog tonight and it is soooo inspiring!!!:) I am engaged to a black man who is from another country...not everyone knows yet, but the people who do seem to already have racial comments.. the sad part is some comments are even coming from our very own parents:( We know we have a very tough road ahead of us, but we love each other so much and believe we can make it through anything as long as we have each other and our faith in God.

Thanks for sharing your stories:) It helps to know that we won't be the only ones going through this. God bless!:)

Amy said...


You made me laugh out loud!!! I can totally picture you in the mirror! Your description was priceless! Hilarious! No shenanigans....I love it!

Interesting that you have never dated a white girl. The girl scout had quite the impact on you! It's also interesting that you refer to the girls you have dated as that is actually an old school term that is now considered racist in the US. It is fascinating to me how terms are so different depending on where we are from.

I love that the girl scout's Sister was your girlfriend and is now your best friend! Nothing like being in your life forever even after getting stuck in the bootie by you! Charming. =)

I get the same thing you get in regards to the "love thang" as you put it. =) I always hear....."is it true what they say about black men?" You gotta "love" people's audacity!

Well thanks for the HUGE laugh tonight! "black...ehrm...nope!" Comical!!!


PS...bald is sexy! =)

Amy said...


I just saw your post after responding to J. I am so happy you have found someone that you love so much! You must hang in and not let anything or anyone deter you. My husband and I have been through it all and we are still here and happier today than when we first met. I pray that friends and family will see how happy the two of you are and realize that is all that matters. Please keep me posted on how things go and feel free to always ask questions...We have been there done that I am sure!

How did you find my blog? I always like to see where people are coming from.

Thank you for reading, keep your love and faith strong!


"J" said...

" PS...bald is sexy! =) "

Aww..THANKS! It is not really a serious hang-up, however I am a teensy envious of some of my pals that still have their big "coiffes" .

On the "Black vs. Coloured" remark: It is one of those things that makes the difference in language&culture between America and Europe (I consiously sidestep Great-Britain, because England is far closer in culture to America than Europe! hence their resistance to the euro and Europe in general. Something to think of when people play the "NHS=Terrible, so Europe is terrible"-card in the healthcare discussion)

In Dutch "a black" is "een Zwarte" and that is a serious insult. No coloured person would ever refer to him/herself as being "Dutch-Black" or something.
"coloured" is "gekleurd" ; "gemixt" of "gemengd" (do not even try to pronounce that, unless You want Your hubby to ask, concerned:"Whaddup love? Something stuck in Your throat?") and is the actual accepted term, however most coloured people prefer "brown" or "latte" or "tanned" since most of the coloured (more than 85%!!)here are of mixed origin.

The only real blacks are African refugees, and they are already getting absorbed fast in the poulace.

We have only two "black" populations that refused to mix with the Dutch, and that is the first generation of carribeans and the first and second generation of Moluccans, but they are a very small population and dying out quite quickly due to age.
Their grand children already started to mingle in no uncertain way.

I believe that the fact that since mixing is "the norm" overhere(to a certain degree, mind You)and became such because we were a trade-nation in a tiny coastal country, made for the fairly relaxed view on mixed marriages and us embracing mixed kids completely. There is no real " us and them"

The influx of Muslim North-Africans only became a problem when some of them violently renounced the enlightenment and tried to push thir rigid belief-system upon us(Think of them as Violent bible-belters)by beating up gays ,beating and killing women that dated outsine their muslim peers(Yes, even in my old highschool a Turkish boy stabbed his sister to death because she dared dating a Dutch boy. Something her parents did not approve of. A sickening display of bigotry from fanatical people, remorselessly using this boy to their ends..), threatening anyone that didn't share their views, killed a national icon (Theo van Gogh) etc. etc.

Odd thing: We have a fair amount of Iranian and Sudanese refugees that refer to themselves as Muslim, but have the same resentments towards the Moroccan right-wing-islamists(biggest problem-group) as the Dutch and do not want anything to do with them.

On a positive note, in all of this, race does not enter the equasion.

Oh, almost forgot. religion is not something that is asked on any official documents, nor is race . Place of birth is ofcourse. Yet in normal social interaction, religion does play a(be it minor) role.

I hope that fixes some confusion . (I am referring to earlier posts about "tick-boxes" and such)

Amy said...


Bald IS sexy! No envy needed. =)

The black vs. colored fascinating! Colored was a term used to describe slaves here in the U.S. and then later it distinguished where people could eat, use the restroom, hospitals, water fountains etc. Everything was labeled...colored water fountain, colored rest room, colored entrance, and so on. No mixing at all. Awful part of our history! And of course slavery, well there are no words...terrible. The colored signs were used up until the 60's and maybe a little later in some parts of the country. My husband remembers them as a child. Horrible! So you can see why that term here is so negative.

From some of my previous posts...terms that are used here are either, black or African American. The politically correct term in the U.S. is African American. I sure wish all the terms would just go away and as you say there would be no "us" and "them." It is one thing to appreciate your heritage and culture and another to be treated a certain way because of it.

Brown, latte or tan...that is fabulous! I have always said that to my husband...he is brown not black. Funny that you all actually use those terms. =)

Ohhhh healthcare...I could go on! I love the European healthcare system! My husband and I have healthcare through his work and can barely afford the premiums and copays. We have what is considered "excellent" insurance! Yeah, if you can afford it! Then there are those that have none! Sick children; oh well, cancer; too bad, preexisiting condition; no insurance for is this possible? I could go on....let's just say I hope Obama continues to fight the fight. People need to get their facts straight and think out of the box.

On the Muslim fanatics...this just breaks my heart. Living in So. Cal. we have friends from all religions and backgrounds including Muslims. The fanatacism from a select few just destroys it for the rest. People need to be able to distinguish between the two so as not to lump all Muslims into one category.

I remember you saying on a previous post comment that religion and race is not asked about on your national forms. So interesting. Race is asked about here but not religion. We even get stats from the schools on what percent is African Amer., White, Asian, Hispanic, etc. Not sure why it matters in this day and time but they continue to do it.

I am telling you I just hope one day sooner than later my blog will only be about marriage...not interracial marriage. =)

Have a fabulous weekend!!!


"J" said...

On racism. I honestly believe that Your gorgeous daughter will be the last generation to experience the racism and hatred Your goodhearted hubby has to endure.

We, the Dutch, are on our way to become a totally mixed society ,despite malcontents on both sides of the colour divide. America will follow suit. It is inevitable.

We live in a global society. The fact that I ,and other people from around the globe are reading and commenting on Your blog ,speaks a thousand words. Isolationism is no longer an option.

The current state elders around the globe still think in "countries" and cannot yet fathom the impact of a "global community". They will die out ,and with them the antagonistic worldviews they harboured.

IMHO the fact that the world is in such turmoil ,is THE best signal is that the " older generation" is dying out with a loud cry of futile protest, while knowing their days are numbered.

The younger generation, used to deal with many more world cultures through the Internet, is waiting anxiously behind the curtains till it is their call. Their worldview is quite different from the baby-boomers, and even our generation. To them, borders are some abstraction, that is taught at school, no longer something as visible as it has been..

Look at it this way: We already have a world language: English. That is the first and most important step ,being able to talk it out ,despite misunderstandings due to differences in culture(just think of the "black" vs. "coloured" word differences between our countries)

People that willy nilly resist the changes that are coming are afraid of the dark, afraid of the unknown. Their comfortable ,understandable world is crumbling ,and they did not get the mental tools to deal with it ,due to lacking education, isolationism etc. etc.
They scream ,they kick, but in the end, the stream picks them up and carries them along.

Even lacking the assurance that working healthcare for all provides, influences peoples outlook on things, believe me. I pay $160,- a month of my $3600,-wages pre-taxes, for full coverage (contacts, dentist ,hapto therapy, homeopathy, tibetan sound scale-therapy :-P...You name it, our single-payer-system covers it through add-ons in the order of $10.-) There is absolutely NO risk of going broke due to medical costs. It gives an ease of mind that leaves space for thinking about other things except the rat-race. It seems an insignificant detail, but it narrows the gap between the rich and poor significantly. (for a detailed look HOW, read "The spirit level, or why more equal societies almost always do better" by Richard Wilkingson and Kate Pickett. Cambridge ,Cornell and Berkeley trained scientists.)

If You want it , I could try to explain the Dutch/European way of providing social security for all (even illegals!) But I do not want to ram it down people's throats....

Yes, I am an optimist ,but my optimism is based on educated projections and reading a lot of philosophical and socio cultural books(I was a Cultural Philosophy major, though I left after I graduated my University freshman-year in Philosophy)

"J" said...

Oh, by the by, just read "Monocle" (An international culture&business magazine) Did You know that Obama, shrude cookie that he is, already shopped for a High-speed rail system in Europe, even before it was clear he was going to be the POTUS??? As it turns out, he also used his trips to Europe to study our healthcare system and social security system..

Ayayayayay The right is going to scream SOCIALISM/COMMUNISM!!! over their lungs(at least, that is the expression??[not sure].)..Whahahaha...

And if You wanna know: As it stands, It's gonna be German track-technology and licenced French locomotives, capable of an astonishing 340mph!! Bloody Hell!! Who'll need aircraft......??

Now there is a man with a long-term vision.

[sorry, spamming again :-p ]

Amy said...


I hope you are right in regards to this being the last generation dealing with racism. I am an optimist (glass half full vs half empty) but you are a full glass! Keep the positive thoughts coming!

In regards to what you pay for healthcare...ohhhh in my dreams!! We pay thousands and thousands each year for our deductibles, copays, and premiums. It is too expensive to get sick. We must have change here in the U.S. MUST!!!

As far as being a global community... change is happening slowly but surely. We must learn to think out of the box and accept one another for who we all are and where we all come from. The energy it takes to hate is so exhausting, why would one want to live that way? The world has so much to offer and so much to give we should all do everything we can to share that with each other. I thrive on diversity...the food, the culture, the holidays, the music, the clothes, the way of's wonderful to soak it all in! I treasure the people and places I have met and seen. Each adventure becomes a part of who you are. One world, one day.

Okay I could go on but I am getting ready for a sleepover with a bunch of teenagers. Now that is exhausting! LOL Daughter's birthday tomorrow! =)

So for now....

Goodbye, Vaarwel, Au Revoir, Hasta la Vista, Ciao, Adios, and all that! A. =)

"J" said...


Anonymous said...

Hmmm. This is an interesting question. Since I've only been involved with a black man for a few months, I don't know that I'm qualified to answer this. But, I will say this, I find there is a richness of soul and spirit with Ray that I haven't found with any other (white) man I've been in a relationship with. Is this just the individuals involved, or does it have something to do with their culture and cultural history? Since we started our relationship, I have noticed that I don't look at white men the same way that I used to. Now I notice how entitled many of them seem, and shallow. And of course, everyone is an individual and you will have individuals who are shallow no matter what their skin color, but I've just noticed that I don't view white men in general the same way I used to - I guess I could say that for whites as a group (male AND female). My awareness has been expanded to recognize how spoiled we are as the "dominant" race. So, in answer to your question, I believe I would be more open to relationships with black men than white men, for the reasons I stated. Although, I have no interest in having a relationship with any other man, as Ray and I are quite happy together. He is someone whose character I admire - he makes me want to be a better woman. And I have to tell you, there has been no white man in my life that has ever made me feel that way, and there has been no white man whose character I've ever admired as I do Ray's. (By the way, you said you were pretty specific (i.e. your husband) as to what you are attracted to in black men - I can say that I'm darn picky, period - no matter the skin color.)

Amy said...


Thank you for the birthday wishes for Tatiana!! I just told her and she said thanks so much! She is hanging out with her friends from her sleepover watching movies and I am getting ready to cook a nice big breakfast for everyone. Jamie is somehow able to sleep in over the not so much! =)



I think you are so right. I have never been with someone that has cared so much about me and about family and about the importance of our relationship. It is so wonderful to experience. He has taught me so much about life and about what is REALLY important. I used to take a lot for granted growing up the way I did. I always appreciated everything, but looking back I did take it for granted. I am a better, stronger, deeper person because of our relationship. He feels NO entitlement, it's all about what he has been through and learning and living from that. There are so many layers to my husband and how he looks at life and his family. It's amazing. I hope you and Ray just grow stronger and stronger and that you get to experience ALL the wonderful things he has to offer you and your "future family" if that is in the cards so to speak. =) It's interesting because what started out as just a light hearted post after my deep post the previous week, has turned into such a fascinating conversation. I love seeing all the different insights from everyone. I am so happy to see the new relationships grow, the old ones continue, and of course the glimpse into all of the different lives around the globe.

Cheers to all of you!


Anonymous said...

I forgot to say, "Happy Birthday" to Tatiana, so Happy Birthday and may you have many, many more!

Tonya Ingram said...

It's true... at least for me. Ever since I "noticed" my first black boyfriend (25 years ago), I haven't looked back. Ever since then I have been attracted to black men, and like you I do have a preference (somewhat)... at least average to tall in height, medium to darker complexion, and definitely one who is good looking and confident but does not think they are "all that". People have often asked me why and I've ran through my mind of the why's, and I seem to never be able to give a definite answer. To me, most of the white guys I've come across are goofy, redneck and just no smoothness about them. I have friend that only dates black guys too and we seem to have this "knowing" of why we adore and love black men. It's just something you understand and no words are needed.

Amy said...


It's funny because I soooo know what you mean. It's hard to explain. I think the experiences I have had with black men vs white men have always been so very different and now with my marriage to Jamie being soooo very amazing that is just where my taste now lies. It is hard to put into words but for me at least it's very true. Sometimes Jamie and I joke with each other and say do you ever wish you were with a black woman and for me a white man and we both just laugh because we know for us at least, we have never felt so sure about anything....our family is our "perfect fit." =) We wouldn't want it any other way.

Hope you have a great week!


fb said...

I don't think that this question is relevant, at least to me.
I have date Chinese, European, Africans and am married for 5 years now, to an african-american.
I have no intention to go anywhere, but if life changed I would never choose a mate because of his background or color. It's just not relevant for me, it depends on the individual.

Amy said...


Hello! Thanks for reading! I agree totally with you. This post started as a silly comment on facebook which turned into quite the conversation on here. I too have dated men from all races, however my experiences with black men have just been so different it's hard to explain and to put into words. I am the last person that would ever be with someone just because of the color of their skin. I have found that my preference when I am attracted to the "outside" is now men that resemble my husband. Makes sense doesn't it because that is what I am happy with right now. By no means was this particular post meant to be taken seriously, it was just more of a curiosity than anything. You will find that my blog is filled with very serious posts, funny posts, and some that are in between. These are all things that I have gone through or am going through. Thank goodness they are not all serious or I would need to be checked in somewhere!

Thanks again for reading and for your comment. Keep 'em coming. =)


Where did you find my blog?

Aloveit, People and Communication said...

Well first I must say bravo! I have been in an interracial relationship with my wife for 12 years and this blog has helped me to remember the desire that Heather and I had to share the magic of our love with everyone we encountered.

There is something indescribably calming, inspirational, sexy and spiritual about people of different ideologies, cultures, or races coming together in love. For me there are few more complete signs of divine grace.

So thanks Amy for sharing and for being a beacon of light!


PS I found your blog post in the couples stories section of website

Amy said...


Thank you, thank you for your kind words! You actually brought tears to my eyes! I am just so happy that my blog is touching people and even more thrilled to be meeting such wonderful people through the "magic" of the internet! Thank you for reading and congrats on your long and happy marriage! I look forward to keeping in touch!