Sunday, March 20, 2011

This Is My Life....Not Theirs......

Is this actually happening?  I must be dreaming!  Somebody pinch me. OH MY GOD.....after FOUR LONG years we are going to trial!  Justice is going to prevail. Finally!  We lost our store, our health, our finances, our credit, our peace of mind, our faith in the system, our trust in authority, our dream. (click here for that sordid story)  BUT, for all that we've lost, we've also gained so much, and I'm truly overwhelmed by it all.  Strength, love, determination, support, generosity, and last but not least, faith.  What more could I ask for out of life.  What more?

And then there's my marriage.  Wow.  Who knew when Jamie and I got married 18 years ago that the strength we gained from our interracial struggles, would give us the strength to get through this madness!?  Now, after all that we've been through, we are ready for the fight of our lives.  Trial.  Ready to get up on the witness stand and speak from our hearts.  Ready to get justice for a dream destroyed.  Ready to stomp out the injustice of promises broken.  Ready to take our lives back!

I choose to stop being a victim.  I choose to stop being destroyed.  I choose to move on.  I choose to live my new dream.  I choose to live MY life.

I used to concentrate on all that was taken away, but now I'm embracing all that's coming my way.  I'm surrounded by love from family and friends who continue to rally by my side.  Love can do wonders in the darkest of times because now all I see is LIGHT!  The trial is just a detail to be crossed off the list, a blip on the radar so to speak.  I took back my life when I embraced all the love, and let go of the anger and hate. When I sit on that stand and look into the eyes of attorney's that continue to try and take me down, I'm going to think of all of you that are in my life that have helped me stay so strong.  You know who you are, and I send you my love, because without you I'd be curled up on the floor.  I would be checked in somewhere, wearing a jacket with belts, and white all over the walls!  You have lifted me up and made me whole, and given me a new lease on life.  Today I say thank you from the bottom of my heart because your love has gotten me through.

So yes, this week is our trial, and we will fight for what's right, but this is MY life, not theirs.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Letting Go.....

As you know I am a contributing writer to The Next Family online magazine. This week I received an email from the Editor of The Next Family saying that this month's theme was "Letting Go." I literally laughed out loud! This very minute, as I sit here and write, there are so many "letting go" moments happening in my life. So many!  I had to share here as well......

Today Tatiana is starting her behind the wheel driving lessons. I will be letting her go to drive on her own in a very short period of time. She has been practicing with me for 6 months and now she is going to be receiving her license. How do you let your baby go to drive on her own without worry and fear? I know I have to, and I know I have to trust that I have taught her well. She is a safe, smart driver and that's what matters. Letting her go is not going to be easy but I know it's time. Ready or not.

Today I'm also ordering Tatiana's cap and gown for high school graduation. This past January she decided she wanted to graduate a year early. She did the research, she figured out how to do it, we had meetings, called universities, and have now made it a reality. I'm letting her go to her next phase in life a year early! This one is BIG!!! Talk about letting go! She is ready, the question is, am I?

Today I'm going downtown for trial preparation for our water trial next week. I'm letting go after 4 long years and I'm putting my life and my family's life in the hands of 12 jurors. How do you let go and give it all over to 12 complete strangers? How? My husband says I'm a trooper and I can do it. I know I have to let go and let the system do what it's designed to do. I don't have an option, I must.

Today, as I prepare for trial and to get justice for the loss of our original dream, I'm moving on and letting go and working on my new dream. I'm writing my book with a new fervor, and now have a deadline for finishing. It's not until I let go of the old and let in the new, did this determination and drive fully kick in. It's time to move on and then some.

As you can see there is a lot of "letting go" going on in my life right now! It feels like an entire new life is being born right before my eyes. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be? It's a lot to handle all at once, and sometimes letting go seems overwhelming, but when I just let be what will be, then it all seems to fall into place, just as it should.

So today I give my daughter wings, today I trust in the justice system, today I let my words flow. Today, I LET GO.